ASUU

Drama Title: Strike and the strikers

Characters:

Mr Jona Lucky-goody, president of the Federal Republic of Nigger-yard, a country in the West

Mrs Pati Lucky-goody, the first lady

Akpos, special advisor to the president

Professor Rollins, ASUU chairman

Dr. Afo, ASUU secretary

A Newscaster, a security agent

                                    First Motion Page

                                     At the presidential Villa

Jona: Akpors

Akpors: Mr. President

Jona: I have not been feeling well since all this while

Akpors: Neither have I

Jona: What do you mean?

Akpors: The cook must have over-cooked or (let me say) over-spiced the food we ate yester-night such   
               that despite the quantity I devoured, I still find myself purging.

Jona: That’s not the point

Akpors: I thought so. So, what’s the point?

Jona: I perceive these days that my enemies are multiplying and they have refused to drop

Akpors: Of course /takes a pause then continues/ the people, I reckon.

Jona: Yes, but not all of them, except for some.

Akpors: Hmmm

Jona: Tell me Akpors, what have I been doing wrong?

Akpors: Nothing.

Jona: I can’t believe that.

Akpors: why?

Jona: because if it’s nothing, there must be something I am doing wrong

Akpors:  Mr President, there is absolutely nothing. That is to say, you are nothing a thing or anything
               that should be called wrong. Like our fore-fathers would say /framing a disjointed proverbial 
               flapdoodle/ the coco-nut tree does not hurt the ground with its leaves even tho’ the ground
                frowns his face at each falls.

Jona: What does that mean?

Akpors: The people are only making you think you’re doing something wrong, whereas you are not. At
               least, I am a living witness. I could remember how I was before you appointed me as your
               special advisor. And now I can testify to the glory if God, of how you’ve blessed my purse and
               belly. All my family members all have good works and even serve as good connective link to
               others.Through them, you’ve helped a lot. Nobody can deny that they’ve not tasted your dainty.
               It is what we share daily, except God wants want to punish whomsoever denies it

Enters Mrs Pati Jona

Mrs Jona: what’s happening Horney?

Akpors: He is just complaining about the people.

Mrs Jona: people are an ingrate;

Akpors:  /silently/ chai!

Mrs Jona:  so ungrateful that you have to be very so careful so that they don’t give you strokes.

Akpors: /breathes out heavily/

Jona: Never. That will not happen.

Mrs Jona:  /smiles/ well done than easier said.  /To Akpors/ can you please see the television so that we
                   can switch what is been casted?

Akpors: what?

 Jona: stop pretending as if you did not understand

Akpors: okay

(He switches on the television. The newscaster reads the news)

Newscaster: The Boko-haram sect has decided to upgrade their intelligence. They maintain they will
                       stop at nothing till they ensure that western education is eradicated including every form
                       of anti-islamic religions. According to our correspondent, Mr Ibu, the Boko-Harams
                       demonstrated their claims by suicide-bombing some schools as well as churches in
                       Damaturu…the activist, professor Swagz said that such an act has been ‘’ too pasquinading
                       for humanity to bear’’. In conclusion, he says ‘’the sect is delineated to have been
                       clippered in a somewhat religious homoterrorism’’.

Akpors: thank God nobody mentioned the government

Newscaster: Many strictures have been directed towards the government for not making any attempts
                         towards the Boko-haram threats…according to Barrister Ken, the government have been
                         deliberately and diplomatically paralytic in their essays…

Jona: what does this need do with an essay Akpors?

Akpors: /silent/

Jona: Akpors

Akpors: /silent/

Jona: Akpors!!!

Akpors: I am trying to check the Collins dictionary on my phone to be sure

Jona: so what does it say?

Akpors: I think they mean our attempts

Jones: Nonsense

Akpors: they can’t understand!

Security: Sir, some people came just now.

Jona: who are they?

Securtiy: They said they are having an appointment with you

Jona: is that their names?

Security: Just three of them

Jona: Their names?

Security: /stuttering/ em professor…I can’t re-collect…they are the ASUU people

Jona: ASUU what?

Akpors: Mr. President, I don’t think this guy is competent for the job!

Security: but sir

Akpors: Shut up there. Were you not taught the question-answer theory in your secondary school?

Security: I did sir.

Akpors: May be to get a full understanding of it, you need to go to the university. /Hisses/

Jone: Wait a minute. Did you mention ASUU just now?

Security: Yes sir

Mrs Jone: Those people have come here again with their wahala. I don’t even know why you keep fixing
                   appointments with them.

Jone; Am sorry dear, we just have to meet with them

Mrs Jone: You and who?

Jone: I mean us

Mrs Jone: you mean me and you?

Jone: Don’t worry dear; it’s just Akpors and me

Mrs Jone:  It better be. /after a short/ and tell them to let those children go back school and stop
                    keeping them waiting. Besides, whose rights are they fighting for, the children’s or theirs?

Jone: You mean the students?

Mrs Jone: whatever! Just tell them to release them. /She leaves/

Jone: I will do that.

Akpors: What will happen now?

Jone: /to the security/ is the secretary with them?

Security: they were just two. But which is the secretary, sir?

Akpors: President, you need to fire this man here.

Jona: We don’t need that for now. I think the secretary is with them.

Akpors: What about him?

Jona: He is my only problem. I don’t want his grammars this time. Even those who are still managing to
          speak in clear languages have not had their requests answered talk not of these heaps of
          confusions. Besides, you know how things are run here. The answer to their requests does not lie
           with us. That’s the kind of system we’ve always had.

Akpors: consulting, consulting, consulting.

Jona: that’s it /to the security/ anyway, bring them in

Security: Okay sir

                                                Second Motion Page
        (After some minutes, both the ASUU chairman and the ASUU secretary come in)

Akpors: You people are welcome.

Afo:  And who is this pumpy, chumpy lump of a stump?

Akpors: I am the special advisor to His Excellency

Afo: On what matters

Akpors: On internal matters of strict private emergencies…the one and only

Afo: What does that mean-----

Rollins: That’s not what we are here for Afo.  /To Akpors/ where is the president?

Akpors: In the conference room.

/they move to the conference room/

 Both Rollins and Afo: your Excellency

Jona: You are highly welcome gentlemen. I am glad to see you again.

 Afo: We bring to you our august accosting in the most intrepid gratulation of heart.

Jona: Thank you very much. You may have your sit.

(As they sit, the chairman motions to the secretary to take charge of the line of discourse after which the secretary brings out some documents and pretends to peruse them, with much seriousness).

Afo:  Mr. President.

Jona: yes

Afo: /picking his words bit by bit/we are quite apprehensively enschooled hitherto, by the very deckle-  
        edge of your erstwhile dictum, which however reliving it is to us is the noodle-presentment of this
        conventicle. In other words declaring to you the pith of our approximations will be an injurious                               
        tautology to your mind’s palabras

Rollins: /sighs/ chi-ne-ke

Afo: so without much ado, we will like to hear from you, what you have decided.

Jona; /remains silent/

Afo: Mr. President?

Jona: /remains silent/

Rollins: Mr. President?

Jona: /remains silent/

Afo: /speaks silently to Rollins/ why does he remain mute?

Rollins: /whispers back/ thaumaturgic imbecility, of course…jujued by some spell: or maybe he is rather
              too conscious of being jujued and so tries not to make himself vulnerable. You know, this is
              Africa! African magic is always a-stake through the visors of some over-lords; just a pity that he
               now looks like somebody seriously needing a chiropractic surgery.

Akpors: Please continue sir

Afo: are you the president?

Akpors: But I am his mouth speaker…

Afo and Rollins: Spoonerism!

Akpors: I mean his mouth piece

Afo: …Having a debacle, an oracle? This is a stark zingiberaceous hokum!

Jona: /silently/ I said it!

Rollins: Mr. President, we need a quick response from you now! Time is not by our side

Jona: /silently to Akpors/ I said it /sighs/ this people are plotting against this administration

Afo:  /to Rollins/ A Trojan Ambuscade I sense, abuscadoes brooched to Odysseus’s witticism!

Jona and Akpors : / silently/ Chai!

 Akpors: /silently to Jona/ His Excellency

Jona: yes

Akpors: you look morose!

Jona: what is that supposed to mean? Do you want to add salt to injury?

Akpors: no sir

Jona: In fact, where is that your phone?

Akpors: On point sir.

Jona: you need to do something.

Akpors: like what sir?

Jona: As we can both see, they are speaking in a tongue that seems impure to us, which means that they
          are trying to build a scandalous propaganda in order to threaten this office.

Akpors: so what would you have me do sir?

Jona: get that your Collins, immediately

Akpos: I’m on it, just that those things are coming too fast

Rollins: His Excellency

Jona: gentlemen, I think this calls for fasting and praying

Rollins: /laughs loudly/ what!

Afo: a riff of Berean diplomatism!

Akpors: sirs, I think, what the president said, was said technically and figuratively.

Rollins: Mr. President, we shall make it clear once again that we do not mind letting the strike persist
              adnauseam.  We wish we had had some other mechanisms by which to beetle out our
              propositions. But as it is now, the students will have to stay: and it would appear too Bezonian, if
              not Gothic, not to pity the students, as the president of this wonderful country. This, I have
              reasoned from a pater familias view point.

Afo: besides, Mr. President, these demands are necessitous! In fact, statistically and zoographically, a
         copious quantum of the results compiled from the phizog-analysis as well as the sensual responses
         of the students shows that, they are very much disillusioned, if not bolted in a Cimmerian rile!

Rollins: this is a noetic datum which implies that the aggrieved souls shall be conflagrated to evoke a
              massive ruckus. The students shall zero in on the state a bubonic hurly-burly, if you don’t meet
              our desiderata

Jona: /shakes his head tragically/

Akpors: /silently to the president/ I understand what is going on sir, but this is not the time to shed tears

Jona: /angrily/ Are you out of your mind? Which tears do you see now?

Akpors: But your eyes are red

Afo: are you done contriving, even though in taciturnity done?

(There is silence everywhere for a while)

Jona: /hay-hems/ gentlemen, I think we will have to prose-pone this meeting

Both Rollins and Afo: why?

Jona: decisions cannot just be taken like that!

Rollins: Why?

Afo: but you are the president. Whatever you say is final

Jona: I assure you gentlemen that, when we meet again, something benefiting will be yielded

Both Rollins and Afo: His Excellency?

Jona: that will be all for today

Both Rollins and Afo: special Advisor?

Jona: and please, when next you are coming, bring an interpreter

Rollins: /as they all rise to stand, he whispers to Afo/ Like I said, he must have been zombified:

              And not until his gods-or those stones of Heraclea behind his marsupial- bid him, he is not yet
              bided

Afo: maybe he is not the right person to meet after all; maybe his gods or our God, or some godly gods
         aside his ungodly ones will be the righteous right

Rollins: Paronomasia has nothing to give here, because, this is a disparaging kakistocratic zombiism.

Afo: or maybe we just resort to prayer and fasting as his paromeia interprets earlier

Jona: gentlemen, I think we are done year. You may now take your leave………..TO BE CONTINUED